Life should be more interesting and happening, than this.

I mean seriously, c’mon man. Some anonymous girl going by the name of ‘Tammy’ (like I give a hoot about her name) loses her hp (whether intentionally or not is none of my concern) and then the videos of her sex act with her boyfriend captured inside gets uploaded by some bitch/arch-rival in her school. Then commotion starts everywhere online, off the streets and even among us. So hordes of horny guys and sad-fucks have literally watched the said video and had already started spreading the links of the different parts of videos now to their friends and peers so more people can get high over it? (hey I seriously don’t give a fucking damn abt that video)

For Christ’s sake (or for the victim’s sake, if you’re not a Christian), please lah. Get a fucking life and move on. This issue needs to get over and done with, and the victim has already moved on with her life and is undergoing counselling now. I don’t see how this thing can get discussed over and over again, on local blogs and discussions pertaining to the topic. I mean, it’s only a fucking seventeen year old anonymous girl, fucking with her boyfriend, recorded on a sucky 3GPP video format. If you need porn, you can probably get better ones than this definitely, I know you fucking sukebes out there can get better than this. And of course I profess, I still haven’t seen this Tammy video yet, cos I’m seriously not interested in it. (in all honesty, yes I have my own sources for my porn needs, so why should I subject myself to this kind of crap?)

You can be a fucking sukebe, but please be a smart one, and keep your morality at all times. And I’m quoting this: “The most important human endeavor is the striving for morality in our actions. Our inner balance, and even our very existence depends on it. Only morality in our actions can give beauty and dignity to our lives.” Originally by Albert Einstein, not yours truly of course. (yeah the poet in me sucks)

(more…)

This is gonna be another one of those fucking rants of my, so if you do not wish to read any please steer clear of this entry NOW.

I’m down with this emotionally-challenged syndrome again. And there’s those fucking academic concerns of my, and then some. Then I also have friends who simply thought that just because it’s not the end of the world for them, so they could take my words so lightly. (like oh why must I give a damn about your probs)

I had enough. I’m so fucking tired. I’m really emotionally-fuckingly hurted, that I just wished I had a personal space somewhere so I can hide in there forever, voided of everything.

I digress. Nobody should change or live for anyone. The moment you change yourself for someone or live for anyone, is when you really lose yourself. Tried and proven, by yours truly.

True friends should stick with you and accept you for who you are, and not ask you to change for others. What’s the point in that, when you start to change into someone else, losing yourself? What’s the essence in that? Make your fucking own judgement, and not listen to those self-proclaiming friends of yours. Wisen up.

I digress again. When shit happens to my friends, I never tell them it’s wholly alright that it’s not the end of the world, so they shouldn’t worry. Fuck it’s never wholly alright for anyone who’s in some kind of shit trouble, no matter how big or small it is. The least you can do, is stick with them and listen to them, lend them a listening ear in those times of need, and lend them your support. Not shrugging away the fact and trying to shun away from the topic. For fucking Christ’s sake, it’s during times like this that I realised that reality really bites, that it’s so fucking hard to find a friend who truly understands you.

I really really don’t wanna lose myself nor anyone. God, please give me a fucking break.

These past few days, I have been thinking alot. I think it has got to do with some of my friends around me, and the past behind me. I just can’t help but think, that alot of things has changed, without me realising the transition of things around me.

Growing up is never easy. It never was. But it was comforting in the sense that we know we will always try and move on, because we wanna be strong. And when things get emotionally out of control, we always hope to have someone to fall back on. It’s always like this, no?

However, moving on is easier said than done, really. When I smile or laugh, it doesn’t necessarily mean that I’m happy. Sometimes I wonder why I’m living in such denial. People build barriers around themselves, including me. But sometimes I feel that not only have I built barriers around myself, but I have also built barriers within myself, for some reason. Been detached and nonchalant to things around me, this is so unlike me. The transition of me changing into someone else that I do not even recognise or realise, is really inhumanly scary.

Just last week while I was having dinner with my group of friends, both me and Grace were just talking about something of the same wavelength. She was telling me that most people would not go that extra mile for that someone, if he or she is already comfortable in their own kind of comfort zone, with a core group of friends to fall back on for support. So does that mean, as long as we have a certain few individual friends that we can trust or rely on, we can take our so-called 2nd or even 3rd tier of friends for granted? I asked her, and she stuttered. She didn’t know how to reply me. I smiled and said it was alright, most people didn’t expect this kind of questions too.

The other day, I was abit disgruntled with Jimmy. I rebuked and complained that he didn’t spare time to hang out with us anymore, without me realising that he was been involved with more important stuffs in his life. He has been helping out this friend of his who’s just been discharged from ICU, after a great fall from a 6th storey-high building. Somehow after he told me this, I felt a tinge of guilt inside me for blaming him, and forgave him. It’s very rare to find someone who’s willing to go that extra mile for a friend, regardless of his or her own schedule. Deep inside my heart, he has my respect. And just awhile back ago, he almost got involved with the military law, because of a friend too. I think friends like this are very hard to come by. I’m glad to say that I’m fortunate to know him actually, he will always be one of my greatest and closest friend in life.

And of course, I’m very glad and happy to say, I have found friends whom I can trust and rely on. Regardless of things that happened in the past, how some friends has betrayed or cheated me, my faith in my friends has never been really wavered, just like how a tree is strong by its own roots. I might have made compromises along the way in some way or the other, or even showed you my attitude or temper, but my faith and trust in my friends, will always be there.

Sometimes, when we fall, we have to remember, that as long as we pick ourselves up, our strong will and faith will always be there, waiting for us.

“If you live, there will be a horrible day, but there will also be an amazing day. That’s what life is all about.”

Over the past week, I have had countless of thoughts drifting in and out of my mind. 2 very self-compelling thoughts hit me and had me wondering for awhile.

“You can only judge the strength of a friendship in the face of adversity” and “The whole idea of monogamy and one true love”.

Yadda yadda yadda. The 2 questions lingered on my mind for pretty awhile, that I got so sick of it and just shrugged them out of my mind back to back. But somehow they keep coming back at me, leaving me at my wits’ ends. Pfffttt.

I think sometimes, I’m just taking the easy way out. Running away. Yeah, makes me comfortable of course, but only in a temporary way. Sooner or later I will have to deal with it again, and then I will be stuck with the kind of situation that I don’t wanna be in, with no solutions whatsoever. 問題となる事実? 問題の分析と解決? (._.)

Ok skip that. I’ll just do a recap of what I did over the past week.

Caught Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire. It was pretty alright. 150 minutes of pure fantasy goodness for any Harry Potter fan. I’m not a fan of the books so I’m not hardcore enough to give a true verdict from a book nook’s point of view. 3 stars out of 5 stars for me.

And after a few weeks of hiatus from running, I have since went back to running almost everyday now. I think I have hurted my left tendon, but I think it’s because of an old injury I got since NS. Nonetheless I think with enough rest I should be alright again, no worries. Guess I just stressed my legs too much, after a long absence from regular running. But it certainly feels good again. I love long-distance running.

Finally met up with her too, and she likes the stuff I gave her. She seems more busy this semester, or so she said. So I’m not sure if we will have a chance to hang out again, but I’m just glad we are on talking terms again. I’m trying to plan a surprise for her this upcoming X’mas, but I’m going hush hush on the details so don’t even think about it heh. (^ ^)

Lorraine and I are planning to take up japanese classes this December, but we haven’t really decided on which school to take. I had gotten a few suggestions from MC and am looking into the classes schedule, will have to see how it goes cause afterall I have to work part-time too.

Was supposed to start work this week at a LAN cafe, but a friend of my who recommended me the job told me the vacancy was taken up last minute. So I guess it’s back to the job-hunting again, after this weekend.

Sigh, I feel so incoherent these days. I think something’s bothering me man.

Going to Sentosa Siloso beach to chill in a few hours time. I really miss the sun and the sea. Heard that the Siloso area got upgraded recently too. Oh and who’s interested in going to Zoukout next week? Let me know ok, earlier the better so can get advance tics.

Ok monsieur aaron outtttt. (zuru-zuruuuuuuuu)

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致：妳

念念不忘，是痛苦的
越曾深爱，越是难忘。
相逢是缘，何必强求
顺其自然，花开月明。

我明了。
喜欢，其实是不理智的。

我们有緣千里能相會，無緣對面不相逢。
我知道 就算没有结果
我也能够承受。
因為是妳 让我找回已失去的勇气。

如果爱妳 是一种痛
我愿意为妳 而麻。
我希望 有一天
我的爱 能替妳摆平寂寞。
我的真心 就是相處的把握。

看妳微笑的眼
好像看到無數晴天。
看妳温柔的脸
像是擁有战无不胜的超能力。

我已深深的被你吸引
妳是我的陽光空氣
遇見妳 我認識了快樂。
所以 我一定會证明我的爱
為妳推開那扇門
帶給妳 幸福的保證。

——————————————————————————————————

You know, there’s a very good chinese proverb saying. “远看花很红，近看花生虫。” For those that are pretty non-literate in chinese, it simply means that while looking at something from afar, it seems pretty nice and admirable. But once you approach it for a closer look, you’ll find that there are horrendous and perturbing details on the object. So much for the curiosity. I reck’on, some things are better to be left unknown, period.

Oh, and sorry for the chinese entry today. (have to apologise, cause there are some friends of my who absolutely hate chinese) Just felt like doing one, after been inspired by some anonymous writer. The chinese poem’s been composed by some random songs I know, plus some creativity from my own. Not a really good poem though, I thought it could be better. Oh well, it’s late so this is just some random stuff that came to my mind. I didn’t really write it for anyone, but yeah my inspiration was obviously from her. I wonder if she will be reading this?

zuru, zuru-zuru - something heavy dragging or being pulled.
Translation Source: http://www.oop-ack.com/manga/soundfx.html

The above japanese word meaning can be translated as; dragging something heavy, a heavy burden or being pulled. This term was encountered in the Final Fantasy VII: Advent Children movie, the part where Tifa was giving Cloud a lecture about been trying to run away from reality, as he is still troubled and perturbed by the stuffs that happened 2 years ago. Most sub-groups that did the DVD-rip had the word wrongly subbed, they put it as “drifting” instead. Even Val (Crashwire), who supposingly claimed he did a better soft sub for the DVD-rip, also had that part wrong. Watch too much Initial D already is it? (._.); And I still remembered he told me on MRT that day that the phrase meaning for zuru is drifting actually. To think that he was part of the JCG club in TP, lmao. I knew earlier on there was something wrong with the the translation subs when I was watching my DVD-rip, that’s why I went to search and read up on the term. Proved that I was correct. Anyway, Shinsen-Subs had their DVD-rip subs translated pretty accurate, after I downloaded theirs to compare the encoding quality against the BiEN’s version. And also the Shinsen-Subs’ 2 CD version quality was so much better too, on overall.

Ok it’s getting pretty late so I’m off to bed now, oyasumi minna.

Ironically, I came across this passage from a book, yesterday night while I was doing some online searches, looking for some references tips on good continuous writing. It was also a pretty rocky Tuesday for me actually, had some pretty frivolous thoughts going in and out of my mind.

Quoting from the book “Tuesdays with Morrie” by Mitch Albom:

“Have I told you about the tension of opposites?” he says.
“The tension of opposites?”
“Life is a series of pulls back and forth. You want to do one thing, but you are bound to do something else. Something hurts you, yet you know it shouldn’t. You take certain things for granted, even when you know you should never take anything for granted.”
“A tension of opposites, like a pull on a rubber band. And most of us live somewhere in the middle.”
“A wrestling match.” He laughs.
“Yes, you could describe life that way.”
So which side wins, I ask?
“Which side wins?”
He smiles at me, the crinkled eyes, the crooked teeth.
“Love wins. Love always wins.”

Life is really…such a mockery. After being mocked by fate, now I also get mocked by extracts from a book. Heh, can I say pwned?

Somehow, I think I screwed things up. The short-sightedness and the want for immediate gratification always gets the better of me. I should really sit down and think things through calmly, and not repeat such acts of having infantile thoughts again, ever.

So yesterday, I was actually telling her, I had a flip through at my horoscope book, titled “Your Personal Horoscope 2005” by Joseph Polansky. (I started collecting this series since 2003 by the way) And I read that for her horoscope, her greatest signs for most helpful in spiritual matters would be the Gemini and Virgo signs. As for the greatest signs for love and emotional matters, it would the Aries and Capricorn signs. So I was asking her does she think it’s kinda true, then she suddenly just had to bring up the topic I dreaded the most, that her sign and Virgos always had clashes, be it internal or emotional. Then I told her, I didn’t see anything about her sign having any incompatibility with Virgos, or for that matter. She said it doesn’t matter for which edition of horoscope year I’m reading, astrology is usually pretty standard, everything is predestined. My heart sank. I mean, I really didn’t expect her to be reading into horoscopes so seriously. As for myself, I’m pretty interested about astrology and all that, and I’m also actually a strong believer in it too. But I usually try not to read too much into it, after all it’s about having that chemistry, how much you can really click with the other person. And both of us can never deny that we do share alot of chemistry with each other, which is a good thing of course. But, as with any other real-life accounts, there is never a perfect someone that you would meet in life. Each and everyone of us has flaws, and it’s all about accepting for who he or she is, if you really fancy that person.

So our conversation ended quite ho hum yesterday night, it was one of the worst nights I ever had, ever since I got to know her. I was in a state of dysphoria. Anguish, pain, misery, all these emotions went through my mind a thousand and one times, and I couldn’t really sleep. And not to mention that before I woke up today, I had a pretty bad dream too, but I shan’t go into details about that, it would probably just bore you, and make myself seem rather silly too, after all it’s just a dream.

Sigh, I don’t wanna think about it already. Unconditional love? Love unreservedly? Do the terms even apply in real life in the first place? It sounds so cliched really, can we even love someone unconditionally, with no expectations or requirements. Afterall, this world is set by rules, played by rules. Even if you wanna love and make commitments with someone, you would have to play by his or her rules, or your own eventually. So tell me, how do you expect me to believe, such a ludicrous term here? And don’t even get me started on the term materialistic love, I can probably debate about that till there’s no day and night I tell ya. This is fucking irrational nonsensical, period.

You know, I suddenly feel so cheap. I try to tell myself, hey I’m just trying to be her friend here, I do not have ulterior motives. She trusts you too, you shouldn’t really take advantage of her trust or anything. Yet as days goes by, I find myself doing things which doesn’t concede with whatever I’m saying, and I feel like a fucking loser. And in the first place, she already told me she’s happy with her single life at the current moment, so why am I still pinning my hopes, on something that’s rightfully impossible? Why can’t we just be platonic friends? I know I have been procrastinating to myself, but my affections for her is just like a fucking great aphrodisiac, something that I can’t control or abstain myself from. So tell me, what solutions do I have? I’m just fucking deluding myself, with this kind of illusion.

This is fucking meaningless. I know all that I had wrote, doesn’t even change a thing, a single thing. But yet I still wrote this. This is so fuckingly amusing. monsieur aaron out kthxbye.

“Love is patient, Love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. it always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.”

I think I found my trail of light. A shimmering light of hope. It’s about time really. Time to walk out of my lonely shadows, and embrace whatever is waiting ahead of me.

She’s a pretty good conversationalist. I really enjoyed the conversations that we had, and she said something really nice to me just now that really cheered me up. Was pretty touched, it’s been a long time since someone actually said something like that to me, really really am quite surprised and happy at the same time. She also told me I could call her anytime, her phone is on 24/7 mostly, well of course it’s exaggerated in a way, since we basically spend about 8 hours sleeping out of the 24 hours, 7 days a week that we have on any other day, but yeah obviously I caught her hint heh. Would probably be calling her sometime soon, maybe tomorrow? Haha.

Everything’s pretty much still in its initial stages, I still don’t know much about her also. But one thing’s definite for sure, we both can really click, and converse with each other pretty well. I think that’s already a plus point, considering it’s really hard for me to find someone of the opposite sex, whom I can actually chat and talk with about various stuffs, and actually not getting bored. (you know some girls really can get OT etc) I mean sometimes I actually worry about what to speak with the opposite sex, trying to refrain myself from turning the conversation dry or boring, but with her, I feel like I can talk almost about anything under the sun, everything. It feels really good and special in a way.

More to come. I don’t know what’s ahead of me, or for both of us. One thing for sure, she’s pretty much the reason, where I can wake up to every morning now, feeling happy and blissful, in a state of ecstasy. It’s weird in a way, cause I haven’t felt like this for a long time, really a long time.

I really hope things will turn out to be really smooth-sailing this time. As in I hope she’s really the one for me, my future partner, probably even my future wife to-be. Afterall, I had my last relationship about more than a year ago, and was pretty devastated by it. Though the break-up didn’t really had a reason nor choice behind it, I shouldn’t really get upset over it I guess. As much as I had suffered from the emotional trauma, I believe it’s high-time that I should start moving on in life again, since alot of things in life are pretty much beyond us, and we can only move on as it is. So from today onwards, I hope I can put my past behind, and face whatever’s lying ahead of me. YES I CAN DO IT! IKIMASSHOI IKU YO! (^ ^)V

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Ben just turned twenty-one last Sat, and we had a really great time together while celebrating his 21st birthday bash held at the NUSS Guild House at Suntec City. The buffet dinner was great, along with very nice hospitality from his parents, who offered us red or white wine but we kindly rejected them, since most of us didn’t wanna get drunk or tipsy. It was a really enjoyable evening, thanks for everything, and hope you liked our presents. (^ ^);

And on the other hand, I was actually quite disappointed with someone else, close to my heart. Shan’t go into details about it, but let’s just say if she can’t even show a sense of responsibility to her friends, especially someone like me, then I guess I had misjudged her all along this while. So why should I even give a heck about her? Sorry, but my kindness ain’t for ya to be taken for granted, try me and you will receive it, the kind of treatment you wouldn’t want from me. If you can’t even humbly accept cynicism from someone like me, then I guess my words ain’t worth that much, for someone like you.

I’m really starting to get tired of all these. Placing my trust in someone, and in the end getting myself taken for granted. And it’s not the first time I had encountered this from her, all with her lies or whatsnot. This is seriously dealing some damage to me, especially for someone who was trying to recover from a failed relationship with someone of the opposite sex. I’m trying to be neutral here, since I know not all girls are like this. But it’s just like I’m now currently trying so hard to recover from my post-traumatic experience with a girl, and now something like this happens. I always question myself, and find my faith wavering slowly. So how do you expect me to pick things up from here? At this rate, I might never even wanna trust the opposite sex again, period.

I really need a break. Need some time-off to find the statement of beliefs and purpose, the strength to hold my faith again. Till then, later everyone.

“I have confessed myself a temerarious theologian, and in that passage from boyhood to manhood I ranged widely in my search for some permanently satisfying Truth.”
– H. G. Wells, The New Machiavelli